Painting 101 (What NOT To Do!)

It's at this point of the summer every year when I start panicking because I haven't made use of my time for any home improvement jobs.  If you don't know, our house is a million years old, it's huge, and we're broke and unable to put the money for a proper renovation into it.  So, I putter along as best as I can, and when I am suitably motivated, I start a project, most of which never get finished.  But that's another story for another day.

Today's focus is on the REAL DIY method--at least MY DIY method--for painting a room. The order of operations may or may not be important.  We'll see.

1.  Begin the project by gathering your materials.  Old paint is best!  You spent money on it four years ago, and paint just gets goopier, I mean BETTER, with age.

2.  Leave your good clothes on!  A real painter never gets any paint on himself or his clothes.  It will be fine!

3.  Leave everything in the room that you're about to paint.  It's much more fun  to stop painting every ten minutes to shuffle furniture from one place to another. 

4. Before I forget, make sure that the only assistance you have is from an eight year-old with questionable skills.

5.  Gather all of your pets in the room to be painted, and plop them in the floor where you will be painting.  Don't forget to let them investigate, i.e., get their ears in the paint.

6.  Make a mess!  Taping takes longer than cleaning the paint off the floor or scraping it from the window panes.  Preparation is overrated. 

7.  Remember that the goal isn't for your project to look good, just better.  And in a house this old, anything is better.

8.  Don't sweat the window sills too much.  After all, you're going to hang curtains back up!  While you're at it, paint those bitches shut.  They haven't been opened since 1963, anyway.

9. Stop to hang pictures and other accessories back up before you're actually finished.  You'll want to see what that one finished wall will look like on completion.  And if you get tired, push the bed back in place and don't worry about that one piece of baseboard you just can't bring yourself to squat down and paint.

10.  When "finished," drink a cold beer or two in the bathtub as you scrub the paint from your elbows, earlobes, and eyelashes.  And don't forget that paint between your toes from when you stepped on the upside down paint lid.

11.  One last thing...try not to think of the vampires in the movie Salem's Lot scratching on the windows when you go to bed with no curtains hung.